Surviving a zombie attack - 101

TheGuy and I just love apocalyptic flicks. Psychological thrillers. All that fun stuff. There is just nothing better than getting the crap scared out of you while in the comfort of your own home. With PJs. And Tostitos with that cheese sauce. And a pillow to shriek into at the scary parts (I know! Isn't it weird that he does that? I would certainly never). Love it.

 One of the things I love about watching movies with Ry is that he is such an active viewer. If he thinks something is hilarious, he will stand up, slap his hand on his knee, laugh, and sit down. If a movie plot turns in a crazy twist, he throws himself back against the couch and points at the TV. Seriously! I get snuggled down into the most comfortable position I can muster, and there I stay. He virtually runs marathons!

I think that the reason theGuy and I love these flicks so much is because we are nothing, if not judgmental. And we are nothing, if not enthusiastic and imaginative! The first thing we do upon the completion of a movie is to go all scenario stereo: What would we do different, because we are obviously much better than the characters in this show, and did you NOTICE that stupid thing she did? As if anyone would do that when faced with a zombie! I mean, come on, be realistic,  here!

Why anyone would ever enter a cemetery without Mr. Pointy?

Due to the high number of zombie films out there, theGuy and I have had the opportunity to really dig deep and examine our zombie apocalypse plan. It was absolutely perfect, and then.. well, one of the variables changed (the pilot part), so we'll have to rethink it next time we've watched a zombie movie. And because I think everyone could learn a little by our example or preparedness, I thought I would share it with you!

Because this plan is totally bad-ass

 You're probably wondering how I could be so stupid as to share my iron-clad (with revisions needed) zombie survival plan online for everyone to see. The zombies will be onto us, rendering our plan useless! Except that you're forgetting one thing. Zombies can't read, obviously.

First things first - we would come to the conclusion that we were under Zombie attack before the general population because we have watched enough movies to know the signs. People getting attacked en masse by slow-moving, stinky people? Obviously a zombie attack. Instead of boarding up our house or running around frantically, we'd go into Survival mode. This would be imperative to the successful execution of our plan. Let the silly, ignorant people distract the zombies with their stupidity, while we get our shiznat together!

First things first: What to take? That's obvious. I'd grab: Pickle, his travel cage, his bird seed and pellets, a bottle of wine, granola bars, six bottles of water, my purse, a lighter, my phone charger, my cellphone and our stash 'o seeds (vegetables!). TheGuy would grab: his camping pack - containing a first aid kit, two hunting knives, bear bangers, flares, flashlight, rope and a bunch of other survival things.

TheGuy and I happen to live in the middle of town, which just happens to be one block away from where a friend of a friend lives, who just happens to be a pilot (this is where our plan falls apart a little. He moved.). We would pack everything up and head down to him - our perfect plan would obviously sway him to abandon his loved ones, and he'd come with us.

We'd strategically work ourselves across town, to where Ry's mom lives. Whether we drove on the roads, or took the path near our house, we'd get there.With a quick pit-stop on the way.

It just happens that theGuy's mom's house is located two blocks away from my good friends' parents' house - and her dad just happens to be an avid hunter and gun collector (hi Julie!). We would go over there, grab some weapons and artillery, and then make our way to the mom's house, (where theGuy's military trained and served brother would be waiting for us) - which borders onto a river, and then a huge field - which, if you run across, would lead you right to our local airport. Oh yeah.

TheGuy's brother could be in charge, showing us how to get there all stealthy-like, and really - why would there be zombies chillin' in a field where just kms away there would be a bottlekneck of cars FULL of tasty people and their brains, who are all panicking to get out of the city? I'm sure I would army roll once or twice, and it would look really awesome.

Once we got to the airport, we would steal a plane. I don't even think we'd have to steal. I feel like if there were even any survivors at our tiny airport, they'd be nice enough to let us borrow a plane and return it later. Like a library book that saves lives.

So, we'd hop into the plane and get the heck out of Dodge - flying up North to the Muskokas, where theGuy's family has a cottage.

Once in the small town near his cottage (population 250 people), we'd land the plane, and that's when we'd be proactive. Since there could only be 250 zombies there, TOPS - with our weapons and artillery - we'd be good to go. The brother and theGuy would raid a hunting store to stock up on more supplies, and I'd break into the local pharmacy to get my hands on antibiotics, narcotics, etc. Because I once worked at a drug store for 7 years, so I'd be totally qualified to be a pharmacist.

At this point I need to segue, because there's something super odd about all zombie flicks - people never go to the washroom! This is the part of a plan that needs to be orchestrated properly - and everyone's gotta go! So we would take turns watching each others' back before heading off for the next leg of the trip.

Though driving by car would be the most tempting route of transportation, cars are noisy, and visible, and in an area surrounded by forest, we'd be best to take cover hiking through the woods. Quietly. We'd slowly make our way through the forest to his cottage. This is the beauty of his cottage. TheGuy's family cottage is located at the end of a private road, which is about a km long, and only has 6 other cottages on it. Why on earth would a zombie EVER head down a km long driveway, when they could easily just pick people off in the tourist traps nearby? We'd approach the cottage carefully, and would hunker down there for the night, again, taking turns keeping watch.

The cottage would be good for one night, but the dense forest and many windows would keep us on our toes (we've seriously thought of everything)- we'd reallllly have to watch for zombies. To make our lives easier, the next morning we'd get up and make our way down to the water, where we would hop into his boat and paddle (it's quiet!) to the Island across from their cottage.

And there, we would live, happily ever after.

The reasons the island is the best solution ever are because:

1. You can see 360 degrees and would be able to tell whether anything was coming our way.
2. There are cottages within paddling distance which are owned by seniors. You know seniors like to stash and keep everything - especially food, so there'd be tons of selection for us to chose from and live off of.
3. The island has a great deal of forest on it, so we wouldn't be easily seen.
4. We could farm the veggie seeds I brought, ON the island, and would be able to sustain ourselves well!
5. It's really pretty and I always wanted to live on an Island.
6. We could actually write down the Island address to provide to our friends and family who could come and stay with us (hey - these people own an island - their boathouse is nicer than my house!)
7. I know for a fact that zombies can't swim, so it'd just be too bad for them.
8. We're sitting in the middle of FRESH water so we'd never worry about running out!
9. TheGuy and I could duet Kenny Rogers' Island in the Stream, and I would be Dolly Parton, and we'd relyyyyy on each otherrrrr uh uhhhhh.

The only tricky variable is winter because the bay would freeze over and I guess technically, the zombies could walk across it. However, I don't know about you, but I've never seen a zombie movie which takes place in the winter, so I'm pretty sure they just freeze and starve until they die again. It's legit.

Have you put any thought into your zombie attack escape? It's the responsible thing to do!

Happy Friday!

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