Hamburger Helper

So I was going to write a really great, long post, on hamburgers.

Yo, yo, my name is Hammy.

Why, why, why, do we call them HAMburgers?

They aren't made of pork. Patties aren't shaped like a pig. It isn't like a ham radio. It just doesn't make sense to me.

Why HAM Burger. What about beefburger, or cow burger, or steakburger or chuckburger? It just isn't logical!

And so, I deferred to the magical glowing answer-box I am writing this blog entry with, and discovered many things.

First of all, I discovered this:

Food coma could have an entirely new meaning.

 Does this thing look like the most comfortable bed in the world, or what? Like.. seriously. That bun, oh man.. it looks comfortable. Who wouldn't want this bed to be theirs?

Okay, maybe I wouldn't, now that I'm old and lame and it wouldn't go with the decor. But if I somehow stumbled upon one, I'd totally set it aside for the BEST KIDS ROOM OF LIFE. But then, watch, my child would end up being a vegetarian and would resent me for the rest of their life because I made them spend a1/3 of their formative lives in the middle of a MEAT SANDWICH.

Digression. Sorry about that.

So, anyway. I looked into the whole faux-ham burger thing. And I learned, with a quick google search, that hamburgers are called hamburgers because the were created in Hamburg, Germany, or something like that. Some king decided they were hungry and they were all "bring me some beef in between two pieces of bread" and voila! Hamburger.

So maybe that reason makes sense, but from a marketing and branding perspective, that is a horrible idea. Why would you name a meat burger by the name of a city which lists a different kind of meat in the name? And what's with a meat-named city inventing a form of meat? They must really be carniverous. I bet their canines are sharp and pointy. Like vampires. Or Jaws.

No, if I was to rename the hamburger, I would just call it a beefbunnie. Doesn't that sound really charming? I think it would totally catch on. People could go out and be all like "I'd like to order a bunnie and fries" and everyone would giggle and smile all the time because everything that they say is adorable! "What toppings would you like on your bunnie?" "Oh, just caress it with a little catsup." It'd be good times for everyone, and it would probably solve wars across the world.

Okay, okay.. it took me a paragraph to get there, but I just realized something. If I name it a beefbunnie, people are going to think it's like.. a rabbit wrapped in beef. Kinda like the Turducken. So that actually doesn't work at all. But I figured it out in one paragraph, so I'm actually quite advanced, compared to those Hamburg people.

What if we called it "beef-between-two-buns-not-the-rump-buns-but-bread-kind-but-there-is-crust-all-the-way-around-the-outside-which-makes-it-easier-to-hold-but-not-a-hard-crust-just-a-soft-cust-like-a-bun-not-the-rump-kind"?

I think I've really got a knack for this marketing thang.