If I had a million dollars..

For some strange, weird reason, I have the Barenaked Ladies in my head right now. Is that completely disfunctional, or what?

I have to point out to you that, my dad, who has always had excellent taste in music (he owns the White Album, and Harvest, on vinyl, so he's obviously cool), was so excited when I was 9, and the Barenaked Ladies came out. I can remember him pointing to the poster in the store "I want to buy that album. Then when people ask me what I'm doing, I can tell them I'm listening to the barenaked ladies."

He really got into it. I think that was his way of living on the edge as a police officer and father of 5. I can remember him taking extra loops around the block in the minivan so that he could listen to one more song. And we would all sing along in the car because we were weird like that.

At my Dad's wedding, we even kareokied as a family to "If I Had a Million Dollars." It was a horrible rendition, and I'm pretty sure it's why Steven Page turned to drugs. Not kidding.

This brings me to the question - If I Had a Million Dollars......

I would definitely still eat Kraft Dinner, but I would not put expensive ketchup on it because ketchup on Kraft Dinner is disgusting, and everyone knows that. Also, Kraft Dinner is to be eaten with a dessert fork, four noodles at a time - one on each tine. Just so you know, in case you're ever eating Kraft Dinner on a first date or at a fancy restaurant or something.

I would buy my dad a monkey, because that was his favourite line in the song, and, incidentally, he has had many monkeys, and one of them was even named after him because he threw poop at people. Just like Dad.

When I was a teenager, I thought that if I won a million dollars, I would buy a hippy van and throw loonies out the window at all the people on the street and they would love me and rainbows would shoot out of my butt and it'd be groovy. I listened to a lot of Simon & Garfunkle at the time (note - to those who don't know - Loonies are the Canadian dollar coin. Because a loon is the duck on the coin. Not because we're loonies).

If I won a million dollars, in honesty, I'd probably be sad that I didn't win more because a million dollars doesn't stretch the way it used to, and I know that I would be stressed out about managing it properly, so the first thing I would do is hire a financial adviser. I'm married and domestic, now. Super responsible.

I would definitely buy theGuy and I a modest home, because non-modest homes are very expensive and if a house is really big, that's just more space to clean, and I don't like cleaning. So I'd save the money and hire a housekeeper - but this would be fiscally responsible, too, because it's cheaper to hire a housekeeper to clean a smaller house. See? Responsible.

I would give theGuy money so he could buy all the tools he needs to make guitars, because he is an absolutely amazing guitar builder, but those tools aren't cheap! Then it'd be cool, because right now it feels very cool to be married to a guitar restoration and repair technician, but it'd be even cooler to be married to an acoustic guitar builder, and then everyone would wish they were me.

I would also find the recipe for the legit Bonkers - candy which was DELICIOUS in the 80s and is no longer made (there is another candy called Bonkers but it is NOT the same thing, at ALL). I would make it and eat it.

Then I would throw a party, and it would be so much fun and awesome, and there would be bouncy castles for grown ups, candy floss, bonkers and it would be a full weekend, and there would be music all weekend, and there would be lots of wine and beer, and I would maybe hire flamedancers because they look cool (but I could also just pay theGuy and his friend, Mike, to do the firedancing because they've done it before, and one of our friends is a firefighter, so that would totally be responsible, and economical, too). And the party would be free, BUT I would encourage donations to be made to a charity so we would all feel like philanthropists.

And I would pay off my student debt because that's what responsible people do, and I'd invest the rest.

Except that I would also spend a small amount on putting billboards up all over the city with my face, waving, and a speech bubble that says "You're totally awesome" or "Have a great day" because then I'd be spreading happiness everywhere people went, and that is awesome.

What would you do with a million dollars?